


I Wanna Do Real Bad Things With You

by Eden Marie Dawson (GodDamnedPlums)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Annnnnd I suck at tagging., Fluffy, Kind've AU, M/M, Okay very AU, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sam's clueless, dean's an ass, slight crack?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 11:24:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7616206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodDamnedPlums/pseuds/Eden%20Marie%20Dawson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam & Dean have engaged themselves in yet another prank war, despite the last one leaving Castiel with a face full of shaving cream and Dean with a very sore ass for the hours following. This time, though, Dean's going above and beyond to get his little brother back for defacing his coffee. There are just some things you DON'T mess with in a man's life: his car, his woman, or in Dean's case, his angel, and his coffee.</p><p>But what Dean isn't expecting is just how much of a storm that this particular prank is going to brew up, and honestly, he's not sure if he can handle the damage that it's bound to leave in its path if it goes sour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanna Do Real Bad Things With You

"You are going to regret messing with a man's coffee, Samuel Winchester!"

That was the last thing that Sam had heard, aside from his brother's cursing and sputtering as he tried to get the foul taste of the ruined coffee out of his mouth, paired with Castiel's not-so-successfully concealed laughter, before he had headed up the stairs and toward the shower. He and Dean had engaged in yet another prank war, this one having only been going on for the course of four days. The last one that they had waged had lasted a full two months, but it had ended abruptly when poor Castiel had gotten caught in the middle of it, fluttering it at just the right--or wrong, depending on who you asked--moment, ending up with a face full of shaving cream instead of Sam, who had been the intended target. Childish, yes, but at the time, neither Dean nor Sam had been exactly acting like their respective ages. 

Sam laughed to himself as he remembered the look of pure astonishment on the angel's face as he lifted his hands to wipe the shaving cream away from his eyes. Sam had bolted out of there as quickly as his long legs could take him, but he had lingered just long enough in the doorway to see Castiel advancing towards Dean, and his older brother backing up until his ass hit the kitchen counter, hands held up in a means of surrender. He also remembered that Dean had not been able to sit down for too long a period of time afterwards, so he silently wondered to himself if Cas had actually made good on that threat to bend Dean over his knee if this 'unnecessary pranking' didn't stop.

Things had been quiet for a while after that, minus the occassional shaking of the soda can before it was handed off, or moving the seats in the car back and forward, depending on who was going to be driving that day. When Sam had switched up the salt and the sugar, effectively ruining the very last cup of coffee that had been brewed that morning, he had apparently crossed some invisible line, and while he knew that his brother could be downright lethal when it came to pranks--Nair in his shampoo bottle, for example--he wasn't particuarly worried this time around. After all, Cas seemed to think that the joke was at least a little amusing, so he wouldn't let Dean go too far, would he?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"If he thinks he's going to get away with this, he is sorely mistaken. Stop fucking laughing at me, Cas!" Dean was furious, made evident by the way that he was jerking things out of the cabinets and slamming the respective doors once he had the required materials to start a new pot of coffee. "You don't just fuck around with a man's coffee. It's just not done!" In his anger, the eldest Winchester brother had managed to slam his finger into the drawer where they kept the silverwear, prompting both a totally unmanly yelp from him, and a futile attempt to conceal another chuckle from Cas. Dean glared at him.

"Just you wait, Cas. One of these days, you're going to be included in our prank wars, and then not even you will be safe from my wrath."

"Your wrath, Dean?" Castiel was suddenly standing right against the other's left side, doing a fantastic job of both pressing the Hunter into the counter and sending delicious shivers coursing down his spine. Not that he'd ever admit to the second one, though. "Need I remind you of the punishment that you recieved when the last 'war' that you and Sam engaged in had me involved with it? Or should I give you a repeat lesson?"

Damn, that man knew just what to say to make all the blood rush from the head on his shoulders to the one nestled behind the rapidly growing-too-tight pair of jeans he wore. He grunted something in reply, turning back to the task at hand, making coffee, when one of Castiel's hands shot out and gripped the back of his neck, forcing his gaze back to blue so deep it was sinful. "What was that?"

"I said no, Cas." He muttered, his teeth gritting when the grip tightened to just this side of painful. "Sir," he corrected, just a hair breath softer than his before spoken words. The corner of Cas' lips twitched up sightly as he released him, giving a slight, barely noticable nod, and moving away. 

Castiel and Dean had begun to explore the more profound side of their bond about six months ago, and in that time period, Cas had discovered that Dean had a bit of a domkink, and while he did decide to indulge the other in it, he had made sure that there had been a clear set of ground rules set out before anything had ever begun. Castiel had spent too much time rebuilding that man to have such a simple little thing like overstepping a sexual boundary break him.

"Are you going to help me get Sam back for this? Even you have to admit that switching the salt with the sugar was underhanded." Dean had just hit the button on the coffee pot, the steady sound filling the otherwise quiet kitchen. Castiel merely tilted his head. "I do not care for sugar in my coffee."

Dean pulled a face that made him look as if he'd just had the rearend of a skunk shoved under his nose. "That's disgusting. How both you and Sam can drink that shit black is beyond me."

"I believe the term that Sam has coined for what you consider coffee is 'coffee-flavored-sugar-milk'. Sometimes you seem worse than Gabriel when it comes to sweets."

"Don't compare me to that shortstack!" Dean griped, making Castiel's grin widen ever slightly. Gabriel made it a point to visit as often as possible, if only to annoy the ever loving hell out of Dean. Castiel enjoyed his brother's company, but he was curious as to why he only ever seemed to show up when Sam wasn't around. 

"Either way, Dean, I am not going to help you prank your brother, because that would directly involve me in this war, and I assure you, neither of you want me involved. You are forgetting that I grew up with a Trickster; I think I would best you both."

Dean hated to admit it, but that was true. In the short time that they had known Gabriel, he had been killed, multiple times--he couldn't even look at tacos the same way anymore, thank you very much--and they had been pushed into so many weird ass tv-shows that he always caught himself glancing down at the doctor's shoes when he was watching Dr. Sexy M.D., just to make sure that he was actually wearing the cowboy boots that he was supposed to be wearing. He didn't want to think about what Castiel could do to them if he had the assistance of the archangel to guide him.

The sound of running water coming from upstairs signaled to Dean that his little brother was still in the shower, and would probably be up there for a while longer--heaven knows that Sam couldn't leave without blowdrying his hair now that he actually had access to a blowdryer that worked--so as he sat, nursing his beloved cup of coffee like it was his lifeline, he started thinking about ways that he could get Sam back, with or without Castiel's help.

That's when he spotted Sam's phone. It was laying on the counter by the tray of half-devoured donuts--no surprise who'd gotten to the box first--and the only reason that he had even noticed it was because it had suddenly lit up with an incoming text message. Now, Dean's first thought was to grab the phone and just fill it with tons upon tons of gay porn, because he was that mature and he was pretty certain that his little brother followed the straight and narrow path; he had no reason to believe otherwise, anyway.

Or, he didn't until he opened the phone. Sam didn't have a passcode, so when he swiped up, the message opened automatically. So it wasn't his fault that he'd read it. RIght? Right.

Charlie [10:48am]: DUDE. You cannot be serious! You haven't told him YET?!

What? Told who what? Now Dean's curiousity was peaked. Before he could do any further snooping, another message popped up.

Charlie [10:50am]: Saaaaam, you can't just go around harboring this gigantic puppydog crush for Cas' brother! He's there all the time, you know he's into guys, and you're hot! I mean that in a total 'I'm a lesbian, you're like my brother, don't make this weird' way. 4

Dean snorted into his coffee cup, he couldn't help it. He adored Charlie; both her and Jo were like the little sisters that he had never wanted, but had grown to love. He was slowly starting to get over the fact that said sisters had grown to love one another, but that wasn't really any of his business. Charlie had already shut down any chance he had of actually watching--hey, he was a guy, after all--anyway.

He contemplated texting back, asking who she was referring to, but that would blow his cover completely. Obviously, Sam would know who she was referring to. But which one of Cas' brothers could it be?

"Hey Cas," Dean started, looking up from the phone, which was now hidden in his lap beneath the table, only when he heard a 'hmm?' in response from the angel, "which one of your brothers bats for the same team as you?"

The angel's head tilted to the side, as if to silently convey the 'I don't understand that reference' that Dean had grown to hear so often. He was slowly trying to bring the Angel up to the current century, but it was a daunting task in itself. "Which one of them likes guys, Cas."

"Oh. Well, Gabriel is the only one of them that is gay, like myself. We both experimented with women, him with Kali and I with Meg, but found both to be lacking considerably. Michael is, as you would say, 'straight as an arrow', and both Lucifer and Raphael have taken male lovers, but they prefer the company of women. Balthazar, it seems, doesn't care who he screws so long as they stay still long enough."

That last part was so out of left field that it had Dean choking on his last swallow of coffee. He laughed in between boughts of trying to catch his breath, looking at the Angel who, while his face was stoic, held the slightest bit of mischief in the blue depths. Maybe he was wearing off on Cas more than he realized.

"Alright, so it's either Balthazar or Gabriel...." Dean muttered to himself as he looked back down at the phone. A little snooping wouldn't hurt anyone... he just had to make it quick. The hot water, while wonderful at the bunker, still didn't last forever. He flicked through Sam's contacts, finding all the usual suspects: him, Castiel, though the angel protested greatly to even owning a phone, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, Charlie.... His chest ached when he saw that Sam still hadn't removed their dad's old number from his phone, but he pushed it back into the little black box where he kept all emotions like that and continued scrolling. Sam had a couple friends from Stanford, though he was pretty sure he hadn't contacted him in ages... Crowley, and that one surprised him, though not as much as Ruby's number did. Maybe he just hadn't cleaned out his contact list? Gabriel was there, but Balthazar wasn't. Well, he guessed that narrowed it down, then.

The sound of the blowdryer turning on upstairs made Dean fumble, and almost drop, the phone. He caught it quickly, thankfully without alerting Cas to what he was doing, or breaking the device. In his haste, his thumb had scrolled through the homescreen, landing on the gallery feature. Sam had a few goofy shots of Dean and him together, and a few of the three of them being weird in the bunker. He held back the urge to delete the romantic photos that Sam had snapped when neither he or Cas were paying attenion, but only in favor of clicking on the folder labeled 'X'. Little brother downloaded porn? He didn't know he had it in him.

It....it wasn't porn. It was what looked like hundreds of candid photos of none other than Gabriel, smiling and laughing in almost every one of them. There were some that were deeper, more meaningful looking, almost, but Dean didn't pay too much attention to them. It seemed that it was Gabriel that Sammy had been lusting after, but this...this was just a shade light of being stalkerish.

He was debating actually talking to him, putting aside his 'no chick flick moments' rule and sitting Sam down about this, but then he remembered the 'war' they were in and a better, more devious plan came to mind. He made quick work of the wifi feature, thankful that he knew how to do this without any history being saved, and downloaded the appropriate file. He had just finished setting said file as Gabriel's ringtone in Sam's phone when he heard the sound of his brother's bare feet heading down the hardwood stairs. He slid it back across the counter, making it seem as if he were snatching one of the last of the creme filled donuts. "Freshly showered, princess?"

"You're the one with the resemblence to Rapunzel, Dean, not me." He made a motion with his hand to signal he was talking about Dean's wide emerald eyes and the elder brother huffed, his jab backfiring on him. This was just not his day.

Speaking of days... it was Thursday, wasn't it? It was! That meant that it was Gabriel's day to do the shopping. Great, now he sounded like the staker. He wasn't, really! It's just that ever since Michael and Lucifer had turned the tables on destiny and walked off, refusing to fight, things had been almost Martha Stewart like for the archangels. The four of them were once again living together, but on Earth, and in Chuck's old home, and it seemed that the chore of doing the shopping would fall upon the youngest shoulders. The only reason that Dean knew any of this is because Gabriel never failed to complain to them about the sheer amount of specialty items that his older brothers 'requested' of him. He always brought them home, mind you, but if something was just slightly damaged or if something had begun to melt by the time he 'finally' arrived home with it, well, that was just too bad now wasn't it?

"Hey Sam, why don't you take Baby and go get us something to eat? I'll cook if you buy the groceries. Hell, I'll even pay." He lifted a credit card from his wallet and held it out for the younger man to take. If Sam looked suspicious, he didn't show it. Possibly because the idea of a home-cooked meal instead of yet another bag of greasy take-out was all the convincing that he needed. He grabbed the keys when Dean tossed them to him, and swiped the credit card from his outstretched fingers. 

"And don't forget the pie!" Dean shouted, making Sam flip him off as he left. When the door closed, Dean's face broke out into a downright sinister grin, one that caused both of Castiel's eyebrows to raise in curiousity, but he didn't comment on it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean had been way too happy to hand over the keys, Sam thought as he pulled the impala into the parking lot of the nearest grocery store and rolled her to a stop. He sat there in the front seat, contemplating what he could have done, but only sighed and shook his head when he couldn't think of anything. He was just being paranoid. He climbed out of the car and, making sure his phone, the keys, and the credit card were in his pocket, he headed into the store. He contemplated not even getting the damn pie, but the last time he'd done that, he'd ended up right back here, just to end the constant bitching that it had earned him. Might as well save him the extra trip.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Y'ello, Trickster speaking, how may I assist you?" Gabriel's voice sounded way too chipper to Dean's ears, but the prank that he had set into motion, assuming Gabriel played along, was just too good to pass up. 

"Hey. It's me, Dean." Lame start.

"I know, Dean-O, I have a little thing called 'Caller ID'. I'm not as technology stupid as my baby brother seems to be."

Dean forced himself not to roll his eyes, even though he knew Gabriel couldn't see him. "Anyway, are you at the market?"

"Mmmmhm, why? Need some condoms, big boy?"

Ew. Just.....ew. No. "No, jackass, I wanted to know if you could call Sam. I've been trying, but I think he's ignoring me. Must be his time of the month or something."

Gabriel's end of the line was silent for a long moment, before a heavy sigh was heaved. "Why, Dean? And why does it matter if I'm at the Market?"

Damn. He really didn't think this through. "Uh...."

"Spill it, Winchester. You boys are involved in another prank war, aren't you? Well I don't want any part of it. Good day."

"Wait, Gabe!" The urgency in Dean's voice must have intriqued Gabriel enough, because he heard another sigh heaved. "Go on,"

"Okay, yes, we are in a prank war. He switched the sugar and the salt for my coffee, man!" He heard a groan on the other end, but it sounded more sympathetic than anything. At least someone could appreciate his pain. "Look, I wanted you to call him because he should be at the Market now, too. I changed the ringtone that he had for you on his phone, so I was hoping that you could snap a picture of his reaction or something and send it to me. You know, for blackmail."

"And what do I get out of this, Winchester?"

"Uh.... How about free pie for a month?"

"Make it three and you've got yourself a deal, Dean-O."

Three months? Damn, that was going to cut into his own pie-eating habits. Oh well. Maybe if he started making his own it'd be cheaper. Yeah, that'd work. He liked baking, anyway. "Deal. You've got my number, so don't forget to send me a pic!"

Dean hung up the phone, his grin wider than ever now. Oh, this was going to be SO good.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gabriel sighed as he looked down that his phone, which was flashing 'Call Ended' at him like some kind of fucking omen. He had made it a habit of only coming by the bunker when the youngest Winchester wasn't around, because fuck it all if he hadn't developed a liking for the fucking Moose. He didn't do attachments; they were messy and uncoordinated and the idea of 'love' just made his skin crawl. So why, whenever he was near Sam, did his heartrate speed up and his breath catch in his throat? Especially since, you know, being an archangel and all, he didn't even actually need to breathe? Just being in close proximity with Sam was enough to make Gabriel lose all rational thought. Nevermind that he was way too old for the kid, but he had such a bright soul, despite being labeled an abomination by most of Heaven, that he didn't want to muddle it up with his tainted fingers.

Still, the promise of free pie for the next three months was tempting enough for him to at least consider seeking out the tall Hunter. It didn't take him long to find him, standing around the produce bins, picking through the canteloupes for a ripe one.

Instead of approaching him, like he'd originally planned, he flicked open his phone again and scrolled through until he could find Sam's number. With a raised brow, he hit the call button and watched, waited, for the tone to fill the store.

****_When you came in the air went out_  
And every shadow filled up with doubt  
I don't know who you think you are  
But before the night is through  
I wanna do bad things with you 

The tone was nice, something that Gabriel could totally see himself rocking out to on his ipod... but those lyrics? Oh my Father, those lyrics were just gorgeous! They were made more so by the way that Sam's face reddened and he fumbled to get to his phone, to see who was calling him. The redness only deepened when he saw it was Gabriel. 

"H-Hello?"

"My, my, Sammich... I didn't know you cared."

Sam's hazel eyes shifted, wide-eyed and wild, until they could land on Gabriel, who was standing just a few feet away. He had his phone up, camera on, and with a slight 'click' sound, he had captured a picture worthy of at least a years worth of free pie. He'd have to do some more negotiating.

"G-Gabriel, how... w-why... I mean, I...."

"Words, Sam, use your words." He sidled up to his side, where he noticed that those sinfully long fingers were now gripping, too tightly, to a canteloupe. "Nice melons."

Said melon fell back the pile with a thud, almost making the rest of them roll off the display case and onto the floor. Sam was utterly adorable when he was flustered.

"I don't....I don't know how that song got on my phone." The words came out rushed, and if Gabriel had been human, he wouldn't have been able to understand them. Luckily, he wasn't. Well, not luckily for Sam. The blonde archangel leaned forward on the balls of his feet, invading Sam's personal space something awful.

"You know, you could continue to try and deny your obvious attraction to me, or, you and I could ditch our brother's orders and sneak off somewhere to have a little fun. What'ya say, Samoose? Want me to do real bad things with you?"

Sam gulped, still wide-eyed, and gave the tiniest of nods. It was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen in his life, he was certain of it. And he was responsible for their being a platypus.

"C'mon then, Kiddo. I'ma show you just how bad this angel can be."


End file.
